[Now it's Bull's turn to blow out a breath. And lean more heavily on his elbows. On the railing. It creaks a little.]
[He doesn't... talk about this much. Doesn't talk about Charlie at all anymore, if he can help it. Because he's not sure how to feel. Whether he should be relieved there's no more attachment - because that's how a Qunari should feel. That's... how he should feel.]
[But the rest of him still hurts. And hurts a lot. More than it should. It's not the first time he's felt like he's too attached to something. But this time... this time the Tamassrans aren't around to fix it.]
Shit, kid, you ask the worst questions.
[He lifts a hand off the railing to rub it down his face.]
... serious. You mean the romance thing. The... dating. Emotions and all that crap.
Yeah. Qunari don't really do that kind of thing. Sex, sure. Do that all the time. Me, especially.
[Another pause. Because while it would be the first time he'd ... had romantic feelings for someone, it's not the first time he'd cared. Been attached.]
Pretty sure there's no hard-and-fast definition for it. Just sort of happens. When they mean a lot to you. More than almost anything in the world, I guess.
[Silence. For a little too long.]
... felt that way about the Chargers, too. Different kind of serious. Didn't want to woo any of 'em. But... most important bunch of assholes in the world.
[He rocks on his heels, boots clapping down on that hard cement balcony floor as he overlooks the city at night. It was the most familiar thing about this place, watching cars go to and from...watching traffic pile up even at midnight...there's a soft smile just looking at it, and his eyes sparkle with nostalgia.
For as shitty as Neo Tokyo was....he missed this part of it. How alive it felt despite rotting from the inside out.]
I used to think it couldn't happen to me. Sex, yeah...I've had more than enough, you know? All I wanted, and all they wanted was to get with the leader of a bike gang. No strings attached, and that's how they wanted it to be too.
[He pauses, tapping his fingers on the railing.]
I used to think that. Now I'm not so sure.
[No, he's definitely sure this isn't that. And that he's feeling something different.]
It's easy when it's your friends or family. But romance is different. How'd you give up that freedom?
[Wow. Kaneda is really asking the hard shit tonight, isn't he? And at 12AM.]
[So he's quiet again, leaning on his elbows, watching the shadows of trees under the streetlamps. If Kaneda is more at ease watching traffic, Bull is the opposite, looking at the quiet places where people could be stalking them.]
Heh. Quit talking like that, or you're going to start sounding like me. [He almost laughs, but not quite.] No strings attached works for everyone I've been with too. Mostly just... giving someone a release.
Like giving 'em a workout, if they're too tense.
[Or a play for power, when they feel like they have none.]
You're probably not the only one who feels like that. If the shit I see around here is anything to go by.
[He just doesn't know if he can help. As for the last question...]
It wasn't one. It wasn't something anyone had, growing up under the Qun. Like... cars. Family wasn't there either. Aside from the Tamassrans who raised you.
[Kaneda could tell right away when someone would be sneaking in the shadows. The boy might not know the forest or the jungle or even the difference between them, but the city life was what he knew, and a good gauge on the dangers of it. If Kaneda was calm...
There was nothing to worry about in those shadows. He ruled this city, if you asked him.]
Right! It's easier that way! [It WAS.]
But that's not...mmm. [His language is working against him here as he tries to rephrase it.] You 'shopped around' before you met Cha-Chan. And when you got to him...you stopped, right?
Was it really that easy? Eto...
You didn't regret it, right? It's just as nice as it feels now?
I-I mean...it WAS that nice even after you--[Shit. He fucked up.]
[He has no argument there. Because when you start thinking about whether or not you're going to give someone half of a dragon's tooth, things get Complicated.]
[Old traditions you Shouldn't Be thinking about. But are anyway. Which makes things even more complicated.]
... I stopped. Because that's what he wanted. And I was happy to give it. He deserved all my attention, by that point. [There's a long, heavy silence.] Was going to give him half of a dragon's tooth.
It's a thing, back home. You give someone important half the thing, keep the other one. Then, no matter how far apart life takes you, you’re always together... You, and your kadan. That's... the deal.
[And he lets that hang in the air. Because it answers those questions, he thinks. Of how easy it was. How he hadn't regretted it. How he'd been ready to throw everything in.]
[But then Kaneda's foot in his mouth gets A Look.]
Well it sure as fuck isn't that great now, if that's what you're asking. Thanks, asshole.
[It's the first word he says, smiling at Bull trying to explain it all to him.] Is that why you were throwing that fish? That why you dragged my ass out at 5 in the morning?
[His fingers drum on the railing, thinking that over.] Seems too complicated, if you ask me. Is the dragon tooth that magical? Does it...call the other person?
[He's got a point to this.]
That wasn't what I meant, though. I know he left, kinda hard not to get the hint after awhile. I just...wanted to know if being with someone like that is better than just some quick sex.
I know you liked him, ushi. I'm not making fun of you.
[His tone turns softer, reminiscing about what he'd remembered from that time he was between worlds. Between universes, even. It's something that kind of makes you think after awhile.]
A dragon tooth just seems too fragile, you know? If you can just break it in half like that. And hard to get! Memories--you've both got those, right? Two parts of a whole--[he raises both his hand to show 'halves', slowly putting them together.]
That's what keeps you together, and won't break. You can't even lose it.
[Because he doesn't want to do it. Doesn't want to talk about it. Even this little bit is hurtful. If this is what it means to be involved with someone, he really doesn't know if he wants to be again.]
It's hard to get, and that's what makes it worth it. Dragons are important, that makes it worth it too, blah blah fucking blah.
Just cause you don't talk about it...doesn't mean we don't see it.
[He knocks his knuckles against one of the bars overhanging the balcony, turning his gaze to the traffic again. But with a sputter of his lips and an exhale, he decides now's the best time to change the subject.
He'd gotten that last part out, at least--and that was what was important.]
[Eyes harden at that command, instinctively wanting to bite back with a comment. But his fist clenches and he focuses on the second part of the conversation. If Bull wanted to stew in his own problem, fine.
[He'd been on that sidewalk when she'd tried to tell him--or at least, he thought that's what she was trying to tell him. They both started the same way too, in what they tried to lead into a confession. Both of them had failed it.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[As he saunters up and leans against it beside him.]
[He'll keep things casual for the moment. Because it's easier just to BS for a bit until Kaneda is ready to talk.]
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So....
[Where does he even start with this.]
Cha-chan...
was the first one you ever got serious with, right? Tetsuo was like that too when he met Kaori. There's just something about it that finalizes it.
Or something.
How do you know what that feeling is?
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[He doesn't... talk about this much. Doesn't talk about Charlie at all anymore, if he can help it. Because he's not sure how to feel. Whether he should be relieved there's no more attachment - because that's how a Qunari should feel. That's... how he should feel.]
[But the rest of him still hurts. And hurts a lot. More than it should. It's not the first time he's felt like he's too attached to something. But this time... this time the Tamassrans aren't around to fix it.]
Shit, kid, you ask the worst questions.
[He lifts a hand off the railing to rub it down his face.]
... serious. You mean the romance thing. The... dating. Emotions and all that crap.
Yeah. Qunari don't really do that kind of thing. Sex, sure. Do that all the time. Me, especially.
[Another pause. Because while it would be the first time he'd ... had romantic feelings for someone, it's not the first time he'd cared. Been attached.]
Pretty sure there's no hard-and-fast definition for it. Just sort of happens. When they mean a lot to you. More than almost anything in the world, I guess.
[Silence. For a little too long.]
... felt that way about the Chargers, too. Different kind of serious. Didn't want to woo any of 'em. But... most important bunch of assholes in the world.
Qun says they shouldn't be.
So you see how fucked up that is.
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[He rocks on his heels, boots clapping down on that hard cement balcony floor as he overlooks the city at night. It was the most familiar thing about this place, watching cars go to and from...watching traffic pile up even at midnight...there's a soft smile just looking at it, and his eyes sparkle with nostalgia.
For as shitty as Neo Tokyo was....he missed this part of it. How alive it felt despite rotting from the inside out.]
I used to think it couldn't happen to me. Sex, yeah...I've had more than enough, you know? All I wanted, and all they wanted was to get with the leader of a bike gang. No strings attached, and that's how they wanted it to be too.
[He pauses, tapping his fingers on the railing.]
I used to think that. Now I'm not so sure.
[No, he's definitely sure this isn't that. And that he's feeling something different.]
It's easy when it's your friends or family. But romance is different. How'd you give up that freedom?
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[So he's quiet again, leaning on his elbows, watching the shadows of trees under the streetlamps. If Kaneda is more at ease watching traffic, Bull is the opposite, looking at the quiet places where people could be stalking them.]
Heh. Quit talking like that, or you're going to start sounding like me. [He almost laughs, but not quite.] No strings attached works for everyone I've been with too. Mostly just... giving someone a release.
Like giving 'em a workout, if they're too tense.
[Or a play for power, when they feel like they have none.]
You're probably not the only one who feels like that. If the shit I see around here is anything to go by.
[He just doesn't know if he can help. As for the last question...]
It wasn't one. It wasn't something anyone had, growing up under the Qun. Like... cars. Family wasn't there either. Aside from the Tamassrans who raised you.
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There was nothing to worry about in those shadows. He ruled this city, if you asked him.]
Right! It's easier that way! [It WAS.]
But that's not...mmm. [His language is working against him here as he tries to rephrase it.] You 'shopped around' before you met Cha-Chan. And when you got to him...you stopped, right?
Was it really that easy? Eto...
You didn't regret it, right? It's just as nice as it feels now?
I-I mean...it WAS that nice even after you--[Shit. He fucked up.]
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[He has no argument there. Because when you start thinking about whether or not you're going to give someone half of a dragon's tooth, things get Complicated.]
[Old traditions you Shouldn't Be thinking about. But are anyway. Which makes things even more complicated.]
... I stopped. Because that's what he wanted. And I was happy to give it. He deserved all my attention, by that point. [There's a long, heavy silence.] Was going to give him half of a dragon's tooth.
It's a thing, back home. You give someone important half the thing, keep the other one. Then, no matter how far apart life takes you, you’re always together... You, and your kadan. That's... the deal.
[And he lets that hang in the air. Because it answers those questions, he thinks. Of how easy it was. How he hadn't regretted it. How he'd been ready to throw everything in.]
[But then Kaneda's foot in his mouth gets A Look.]
Well it sure as fuck isn't that great now, if that's what you're asking. Thanks, asshole.
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[It's the first word he says, smiling at Bull trying to explain it all to him.] Is that why you were throwing that fish? That why you dragged my ass out at 5 in the morning?
[His fingers drum on the railing, thinking that over.] Seems too complicated, if you ask me. Is the dragon tooth that magical? Does it...call the other person?
[He's got a point to this.]
That wasn't what I meant, though. I know he left, kinda hard not to get the hint after awhile. I just...wanted to know if being with someone like that is better than just some quick sex.
It feels like it.
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[If he sounds a little defensive, it's because he is. Embarrassed. Hurting. And definitely not comfortable talking about any of this.]
No, it's symbolic and crap. You've got two parts of the same whole and all that.
[And yes, he's caught on by now. Hard not to. Especially after that talk with Kasumi in the convention.]
Then there's your answer.
If it feels like it for you, and feels like it for her, then it is. It's that simple.
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[His tone turns softer, reminiscing about what he'd remembered from that time he was between worlds. Between universes, even. It's something that kind of makes you think after awhile.]
A dragon tooth just seems too fragile, you know? If you can just break it in half like that. And hard to get! Memories--you've both got those, right? Two parts of a whole--[he raises both his hand to show 'halves', slowly putting them together.]
That's what keeps you together, and won't break. You can't even lose it.
Unless you really want to.
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[Because he doesn't want to do it. Doesn't want to talk about it. Even this little bit is hurtful. If this is what it means to be involved with someone, he really doesn't know if he wants to be again.]
It's hard to get, and that's what makes it worth it. Dragons are important, that makes it worth it too, blah blah fucking blah.
Forget I mentioned it.
[Because we're shifting the topic. Now.]
This isn't about me. This is about you and Maya.
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[He knocks his knuckles against one of the bars overhanging the balcony, turning his gaze to the traffic again. But with a sputter of his lips and an exhale, he decides now's the best time to change the subject.
He'd gotten that last part out, at least--and that was what was important.]
Ah, yeah. Mayoi.
[Where does he even begin.]
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[And now they're going to talk about something else. They're going to talk about Maya and pretend he's not lying.]
[Hissrad indeed.]
... you two are serious now, huh? That's what this is about. Or you're wondering if you should be.
She know what you're thinking?
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[A last chide before he changes the subject for good, rubbing the back of his neck.]
I want to ask her out, but I don't know if I can.
Words keep getting caught in my throat.
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[That's all he'll say, too. Leave it at that.]
You've done it before, haven't you? Taken her out, I mean.
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But he's never going to accept Bull as 'fine.' ]
Yeah.
But a date is different than dating.
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[Time to move on.]
Why does it have to be?
You two care about each other. Just go do some shit you like together. Don't think about labels unless you decide you want them.
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[A hand runs through his hair, staring down at the traffic.]
It's what made--it's what made Dipper different for Ken. A date is something you DO.
Dating is something you....I don't know. Experience.
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[He grins sideways at Kaneda. A real one, for the first time since he came out here on the balcony.]
Shit, makes me wish Varric was here... guy writes romances for a living. He'd have you saying ten good things before you could blink.
She seeing anyone else? Or just you?
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[His hand rubs the back of his neck, unsure.]
And she kissed me first.
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That's part of it.
[He leans on his elbows again, studying the street.]
... She doesn't know what to do either. You know that, right?
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[He'd been on that sidewalk when she'd tried to tell him--or at least, he thought that's what she was trying to tell him. They both started the same way too, in what they tried to lead into a confession. Both of them had failed it.]
Doesn't make saying it any easier.
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[He reaches over to clap a heavy hand on Kaneda's shoulder.]
You know it. She knows it. The words'll come out. Probably when you least expect it to.
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[Because he does, and he wants to make sure that's known.]
It's just not easy.
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But if she feels the same about you... do you think she's going to care if you trip up a little? If you don't say it perfect?
Be honest. That's all you need to do.
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